The pain that comes with heartbreak is something we mock in movies and TV shows a lot, but it can be the most painful moments of your life. It can leave you aching for weeks, months and even years.

Women do a lot of damaging things in an effort to win back an ex. I asked seven men to anonymously reveal what a woman can do to get her ex back. These were their insights:

1. Stop chasing

Chasing feels clingy to most men and it eventually backfires.

2. If you messed up, apologize

If the relationship ended because of something specific you did, genuinely apologize and clear the air.

3. Consider why you broke up

Sometimes people break up from boredom. Sometimes from unmet needs, Cheat!ng or because it “just doesn’t feel right.”

If they broke up with you because it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably time to let it go. Those feelings often don’t go away and getting back together will probably ultimately end in even more heartbreak.

But, for example, if your relationship ended from unmet needs, that can be fixed. Focus on what needs to change in you to have a healthier relationship together.

4. Hang out with people who love you

Nothing is more attractive than a happy, confident woman. Instead of pouting in your room, surround yourself with people who will help you get that happy glow back.
5. Pretend it’s only a one-way phone

Several men felt the best action was to leave him alone and give him his space. Anything else will drive him further away. Don’t call or text him unless he reaches out first.

6. Don’t throw out ultimatums

Threats like, “If you don’t get back together with me, I will …” do NOT work.

7. Kindness is key

You won’t win him back by being angry, clingy, revengeful or intimidating. If you want him back, get rid of those negative emotions. Why would he want to get back together with someone who’s mean and moody?

8. Be you

Trust if it’s meant to happen it will happen. There is nothing you can do to force him back to you but he did fall in love with you once – and it wouldn’t crazy to think it could happen again. Live life, be yourself and chances are higher he’ll remember how much he misses you.

9. Take care of your body

Binge eating won’t make you feel better and it won’t bring him back. Exercise and eat right. You’ll feel better about yourself, and he’ll definitely notice.

10. Date other guys

You can’t control when your ex will come back, but putting yourself out there will give you insight into your past relationship and what you can do better when he comes back. Plus, that jealousy might trigger his return.

Who knows – it really could be over between the two of you, but you won’t be hurting your chances of getting back together if follow this advice.